Hungry Caterpillar
Sean the Irish Bastard
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Winnie the Poo
Hoffin' Bigman
The church announced today that from now on, annoying mobile phone rings have been added as the eighth deadly sin.
Twat
It seems that the Church, as have the rest of us, have got so pissed off with people who have those annoying novelty phone rings that they have decided that an eternity in hell is a just punishment for them.
The people who will be affected by this are those that instead of the normal everyday ring insist on having stupid tunes play every time their phone rings.
So next time you are on a train and hear one, and suddenly you can hear an annoying bleepy version of Greensleeves being played, take comfort in the fact that whoever owns that mobile phone will be spending eternity in hell.
In commemoration of this momentous event a special edition of David Fincher's 1995 film Se7en is being re-relesased in a new "Special Edition". The film is about two cops, detectives Mills (Brad Pitt) and Somerset (Morgan Freeman), on the trail of a serial killer who is using each deadly sin as a motive for a series of killings. The new scene will involve the detectives uncovering another murder to tie in with the eighth deadly sin. We at DFTFC have obtained exclusive access to the script from this new scene.
INT. SLUM APARTMENT, MAIN ROOM -- MORNING
Mills and Somerset enter. Somerset looks at the cops around the bed, then looks at a nearby wall. His mouth drops in horror. On the wall, written in broken mobile phone parts: ANNOYING RING.
SOMERSET
Jesus...
He pulls the sheets off the bed and reveals the shrivelled, sore-covered form of a man who is blindfolded and tied to the bed with a thin wire which has been wrapped time and time again around the mattress and bed frame. Tubes runs out from a stained loincloth around the man's waist and snake under the bed. He has a pair of headphones on his head and a mobile phone in his hand.
Mills pushes past the other cops.
MILLS
Holy shit.
Somerset picks up the head phones and listens to them.
SOMERSET
It's playing the first four bars of Greensleeves. He must have listened to it again, and again, and again until he ended up in this state.
MILLS
That’s inhumane. How could anybody do such a thing?
SOMERSET
We’re up against some kind of monster.
MILLS
Hey look at his phone. He’s got Baa Baa Black Sheep, Dr Who, Mission: Impossible - even Agadoo!
SOMERSET
What are they?
MILLS
Phone rings. Fucking novelty phone rings. On second thoughts, screw this guy - he’s just got everything he deserves. Let's go.
Somerset replaces the headphones and they all leave.