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Killer Hedgehogs Terrorise South East England

Written by: Hungry Caterpillar Published on: 16 Feb 2000

A rogue group of hedgehogs have started to savagely attack people across the South East of England. It seems that one flock/herd/(whatever you call a group of hedgehogs) has gone berserk and started attacking everything that moves.

The picture shows what happened when a cat encountered one of the insane hedgehogs. Merely seconds after this picture was taken the cat was literally shredded by the crazed hedgehog.

So far there have been ten reported serious injuries and one death. The dead man, whose name is Robert Polsen was described as ‘A complete wanker’ and ‘No great loss to society’ by his close friends.

These events have caused great confusion among animal rights activists. Some are saying that the Hedgehogs should be killed to protect other wildlife whilst others are saying that these unique animals should be preserved. As per usual in these cases nobody cares about the people who have been injured but as soon as one cat gets shredded everyone is up in arms.

We managed to get an interview with leading Hedgehog expert Professor Irvine Smith.

DFTFC: Is this sort of behaviour common in Hedgehogs?

Professor Irvine Smith: Although it is greatly undocumented this is quite common. What happens is that a flock of hedgehogs will see one too many of their group getting killed on the roads. Then they just go on an insane killing spree.

DFTFC: So why don’t we hear more about this in the news

PIS: Well usually only a couple of people get hurt and the BBC manages to cover it up. But this time a cat got shredded so the truth was bound to get out.

DFTFC: How exactly do the hedgehogs attack other animals

PIS: Well some of them curl into balls and then fire themselves at people. Others will use primitive hand weapons like clubs, spears or missile launchers.

DFTFC: Oh. I didn’t realised hedgehogs were that advanced.

PIS: Oh yes. Some of them are cunning little bastards.

DFTFC: Are you sure you’re a hedgehog expert?

PIS: Oh yes. Look I have a special badge.

DFTFC: Alright then, how many legs do hedgehogs have

PIS: Five. No I mean six. It’s six isn’t it.

DFTFC: That’s crap. You have no idea what a hedgehog is, do you?

PIS: No, I admit it. I only agreed to do this interview for the money.

DFTFC: But we’re not paying you.

PIS: Oh Shit!

DFTFC: Look this is a very serious subject, a cat has been shredded. I think you should apologise to all our readers.

PIS: Sorry.

DFTFC: Say it properly.

PIS: I’m very, very sorry.

DFTFC: Right, now get out of our office before we call the police.

We’d like to thank Professor Smith as we are legally obliged to.

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